Life's unfair. I'm sorry.

Hey. I'm sorry. I'm sorry I hurt you. But honestly, I didn't do it on purpose. I didn't expect you to get angry like that. It was meant as a joke. Just like the firewall, and how computer illiterate I am.
But then, I'm not gonna judge you and stuff. Everyone has their good and bad days, and probably something already happened earlier and it pissed you off.
But really, are you gonna ignore me like this everyday? I know you might hate me, and I know you might think its all my fault, but im sorry. Then again, its totally up to you if you wanna accept my apology or not. Your choice.
Oh, and another thing. I didn't back stab you. Honestly. I did not. I don't know why you said that I did. To be honest, your friends are the ones who call you an airhead. Really. I tell them that I still can't let go, and I still miss you, and they tell me to let go of you cause you are an airhead. When people ask me about you, or us. I tell them that you are a real nice guy, and I still love you. And they ask me, "why don't you hate your ex? I hate mine". Actually, it was just Sunday night when I was telling a friend that I missed you, and that you were/are awesomely cute and kind. And that you left not because of an argument or because you found someone else, but we ended only out of obeying your parents. But sometimes, I wonder if we really were over, I mean, we never really ended it. I guess it was like some mutal understanding, and somehow, we just grew apart. But wtf, I still love you. And I hate you. But i don't know what to feel anymore, I'll admit, I've tried to hate you. I couldn't. No matter how hard I tried.
Gahh. Penguin. Im probably just some mentally screwed up person. With disorders. And problems. And sometimes, I wish I died, even before being born, like the doctor said I would.
Whytf, do I bother writing this out? Part if me imagines you understanding me and accepting my apology, but part of me feels that if I had written this on paper, you would probably have trashed it.
Im really sorry. I never meant to hurt you. I'm sorry. :'(
You were probably right. You don't deserve crap. No one deserves crap, babe. But everyone gets it. They just react to it differently. I don't deserve crap too. But I get loads of it at home. You've got parents that love you and give you the things you need and want. I've got parents don't don't give me what I need, and want. All they do is nag. Literally. I live a life where I need permission to eat ice-cream and instant noodles, a life where I need permission to turn on the computer, a life where I have a big flat screen TV, but I don't get to turn it on, at all. That sucks. A lot. I never get a chance to talk to them. It always ends up in nagging. Or insulting. I'm sure your mom doesn't tell you that one day your gonna have a miscarriage because your so skinny and ugly. Or that because you don't eat, you're gonna get cancer one day. I just hate life. Its so controlled. And full of shit. And hurt.
So yeah, probably, in some way, your life might suck too. But don't take it out on me. I mean, I'm not saying I'm innocent. I might have unknowingly said something that triggered something in some part of you. But then again, yelling at me is better than punching walls. And I did at one point told you that I'd be your ' cushion ' and you could take out your anger on me. But its scary. To see you like that.
Oh weell, sorry for writing this unnecessary shit.
Sorry. For everything.
ily. And I'm trying to let go.
Sorry.
PS: If He wills it.
PPS: He probably has a reason for putting you and me through this.
PPPS: He loves you.
PPPPS: I'm don't hate you. And I'm not angry at you, not anymore. And I forgive you.
PPPPPS: I hope you don't hate or get angry at me for writing all this.
PPPPPPS: :)

Loved. Loving. And gonna love.

Hey.
I really don't get you anymore.
What happened to you?
Who are you?
What have you done to the boy that loved me? Where is he? I want him back. I haven't seen him in a long time, miss him. I love him, I want to see him again. I thought I saw him the other day, but I guess it wasn't him.
What happened to us? In a few days, its gonna be two and a half years. Two and a half years, that's 30 friggin months. That's like, almost a thousand days.
I remember he always told me how much he loved me, and we would play that stupid 'I love you more' game. Almost every night and evening. Where is he?
Those times, he was my only best friend, the one I told everything to. Mainly because he didn't like all my other bestfriends and made me distance myself from them. That was the one thing I probably shouldn't have done, because now, I don't have any best friend, not even a close friend. And it sucks keeping everything to myself. It hurts too. I hate crying myself to sleep. At least writing it out and hoping you see this and hoping you still care helps. A little bit. Eventhough I'm crying writing this.
Those times, he really loved me. He was so darn over-protective. But I knew he cared. I knew he loved me. He never let me leave. He did everything he could to make me happy. All he wanted was for me to be happy.
He got my first hug. First kiss. First French. First lip lock. First touch. First guy on my bed. First guy I has a crush on. First guy I loved. First guy I got myself in trouble for. First guy I spent nights crying over.
Unfortunately, he was also the first guy I knew who was stuck in porno and masturbation. The first guy who touch me when I didn't want it, when I didn't like it. The first guy that hurt me. The reason I cut myself.
Maybe I should never have fallen for him. He was a player. But he told me he loved me. Told me he would NEVER hurt me. Never leave me. Never make me unhappy.
But I loved him. I stayed when I should have left. I loved when I didn't have to. I tried to help knowing it would work. Tried to get you off the porno knowing you would get back to it. Did I waste a thousand days of my life?
And I still love him when he doesn't.
I love him alot. And I'm still waiting. Waiting for him to come back. I miss him. Love him.
And well, Kiddo, wherever you are, I wish you'd come back. I miss you. Remember what you told me? And I still love you. And still think of you as my little boy. My Assy. The Boyfie.
I just fucking live you, okay? Even though I think you don't.
All I want is for him to come back. I want him to love me like I love him. That's all. Is that to much to ask? Maybe I'll try to get you to like me again..? Maybe we should start over again. Maybe we should wait two more years and get permission and continue on. Or maybe...

Hurt, Pain, Anger and Forgiveness.

So Darling, Iv'e been wanting to talk to you for a long time, but I couldn't. Therefore, I hope you read this and understand it without misunderstanding it, okie?

Firstly, what am I to you? Am I your little baby girl? Am I your bestest best friend? Am I just a friend? Or am I a bitch, (like you said I was)? Because to me, you are the boy I love, the one I wanna marry one day, the bestest best friend I have, the one who knows all my secrets, the one whom I pray for every night, the one I think about all the time, the one I risk loads of things for, the cute guy, the wierdo person, the nerd, the geek, and the assy. You are all that and more to me, and yes, i know it sounds all cliche and stuff, but Im only telling you the truth. 

                                               

Maybe I was just stupid to have stayed. You 'cheated' since the beginning, first it was with them behind your computer screen, then it was the crush you had on your 'friend', and now its a girl you like. I really just don't know what to do anymore, you know? I'm tired of crying myself to sleep. It just hurts. It hurts a lot. But you probably don't care anymore, do you? You probably think of me as 'that stupid ugly clingy bitch', right? Maybe its just a one sided thing, you not caring anymore, but me still having feelings? What do you want me to do so you can see it? Maybe I should start self-harming again, doing stupid things hoping to have a pain more painful than this as to numb out this hurt. Or maybe the water is a good thing, maybe I'd get cancer from it and die, then it wouldn't be like this anymore. Because, asshole, I fucking love you, and I really hope you see it.

Its been 28 months. 28 hard months. Have I wasted this 2 years of my life? Or are they the beginning of something? The beginning of a future? A future together?

TBH, Assy, I don't like you. I don't have a crush on you anymore. And I surely don't think that everything you do is cute and adorable. BUT, I FRIGGIN LOVE YOU, DARLING ASSHOLE. True that I don't like or crush on you, but that's because I loves you. And of course, you can be annoying (those little stupid fights)  and disgusting (remember the green snot bubble? you thought I would find that cute). But if i just liked you, I would have left, when you told me bout 'it', I would have left if I didn't really love you. But I do, and I stayed. There's only so much I could/can take, but every time, I pushed my limits for you, because I loved you. And because I still do, I'm currently doing that once again.

Remember what we agreed upon? To just wait and see? To keep that part of our lives quiet for now. To stop looking for relationships, or finding sneaky ways to do stuff. I hope you remember all that. Because I do, and the only guys whom I currently receive kisses from and think are cute, are little babies. They aren't even guys actually, just innocent cute little babies. *Maternal instincts have not kicked in early :P *

Owh well, just know that I love you alot, and that I always pray for you,  your family, and sometimes about us every night before I sleep. And I love you, even though I hate you. And I feel like punching you, yet i also feel like hugging you so tight till you loose your sense of balance and fall over, and then i wanna kiss your pretty hair. :) And I really hope I'm more than just a friend, assy.

The Truth. #1

     I saw you for the first time. And I thought, 'ew!'. I stayed away from you. Didn't bother to talk to you. Even pitied you. Made fun of a friend that liked you, "What on earth do you see in him?", I asked.  

     They had a sleepover. I could not go, I was grounded. So they were bored, and talked to you online. Then the phone call came. THAT phone call. "OhMiGosh!! You would never believe what happened. I think he likes you. He said you got a unique smile..." And you know the rest. Pretty face, I think you said too. They asked you who you like. "He likes you.", they said. I smiled to myself the entire day, not being able to concentrate on anything.
   
     I started talking to you. Bit by bit I fell for you. The first lie I told you was that I had a dream about you. It was never a dream, it was something I wanted badly to happen. But of course, I couldn't just go up to you and say, "I want you to take me for a date. Movies and dinner. You pay, and fetch me in your white car with the personalized number plate." Firstly, you had like what? Five years to go before you could drive legally. And you had no car, no white car, no personalized number plate. You made me forget all my other crushes. All the other tall, muscular boys. I had time to daydream about nothing, but you.
     
     We talked more. You tried to annoy me. I would never forget that Friday morning. You were being sarcastic about everything I said, and you stole my chair. You would not get off it, even when I poked you. Remember that? You thought it would annoy me. It did the opposite, little boy. Because that's when I fucking fell in love with you.

     A few weeks later, it was Valentine's Day. You called me aside to give a present. I walked towards you, wondering what it would be. My hopes were crushed what I saw you, because there was no little wrapped box with ribbons. You had nothing. But, I hid my disappointment and stood in front of you. You wrapped your arms around me and gave me a hug. You held me tight, and planted a little kiss on my head. I had never been happier. 
     
      It was then it officially began. You were everything. My whole world.

                                                       

Best Boyfriend Ever :)

So this is the amazing definition of my amazing boyfriend's name on some online dictionary..:)  (obviously written by me) XD

Most amazing guy in the entire world. He is super cute and adorable, considerate and kind. When he loves someone, he will love that someone whole-heartedly and give her the best of everything and will help her in everyway he can. That person becomes the most important and beautiful thing in his life and is willing to sacrifice anything for her. Can be really concerned and worried about her and will care alot about her, but she might find him a little annoying at times. He is a smart guy but also a adorable nerd and cute dork sometimes. He makes the best boyfriend ever. He has an awesome body that is nice to hug :)


You know the past few days, the hours we spent planning a future together, it really meant something to me, you know. I mean, how many guys your age sit and talk about how many cupboards to have in the kitchen? How many guys would talk about washing toilets and doing the dishes and the laundry. And what makes it even more special is the fact that we do not know for sure what will happen in the future, if we will even make it, considering the circumstances we now face. Its like, you have faith in me, in us. :) And that, that means alot to me. Me loves you so very much.

I love you  :)

Sorry, and Don't Give Up :)

Darling, I'm sorry for what i said, or rather, I'm sorry for not making myself clear enough and assuming you'd understand what I meant when I said that. Sorry. Anyway, I was scrolling down Facebook, feeling quite bad after I read your post, when I came across this, so, I'll put it up for you.

Well, Im really sorry about that. But the way you understood it was not the way I meant it. I kinda meant it, as at this point, I'll help you, and you dont have to worry about me, kinda thing. I thought you'd figure it out. Sowee.

 Anyway, here is a little something that would hopefully encourage you?



 Me loves you so very much :)

     Well, I know this post is a little short, but i basically just wanted to say im sorry. so yea, SORRYYYY!!

                                                                   Oh, and of course, I LOVE YOU, Darling. :)

Random Rambling Poem 1

Jesus Christ the center of our lives,

He who has rised,

In Him we trust,

By faith we walk,

The sands of time shall never stop,

As the sun sets into a tiny blot.

Love and peace the offspring of His grace,

In our hearts we try to place,

Pride and anger the paths of destruction,

Only He can offer salvation.

I'm no preacher of blind and ignorant faith,

Just another boy with simple faith,

Forgive me if I fail,

I'm also another who tries hard not to fail.

This proud and selfish heart,

The thing that sets me and Him apart,

Will I ever escape this trail?

Only time will tell the tale.

They say "When you're at the end of your rope, you're at the beginning of hope."

I certainly hope that is true,

Because my God!

How cruel can life be without You.

*All credits to my amazing boyfriend who wrote this poem while on his path of recovery, and still is on his path to recovery*

PS: Don't give up, littleboy, I know you can do it :) And im always here if you need me :)

PPS: I love youuuuuu! :)

PPPS: I miss youu!!

10 feelings you make me feel :)

#10.When I was a kid, I loved my teddy bear. But now you are the only teddy bear I love and want to hug for a lifetime. 
#9.If kisses were water I would give you the sea, if hugs were the leaves I would give you a tree, but if love was time, I would give you eternity.
#8.If raindrops were kisses, I could send you showers. if hugs were seas i send you oceans. And if love was a person id send you me!!
#7.Whenever I look into your eyes, I see a beautiful rainbow of the colors of your love which brightens each day of my life to make it yet another best day of my life.
#6.I love you more than yesterday, less than tomorrow.
#5.I sometimes think of you when you're away and smile away to myself. People think I'm nuts.
#4.You're not perfect, and I'll save you the suspense. I am not perfect either. but surely we're perfect for each other :P
#3.Before I met you I never knew what it was like; to look at someone and smile for no reason.
#2.To the world you are one person, but to one person you are the world (know who that person is?:))
#1.I love you. You know why? Because we fit so well together.. Its like the pieces of a puzzle, the way your hand fits the curve of my hip (and the way ''something else'' fits your hand perfectly), and the way my head can rest on your shoulder, the way our hands melt to one, and the way i feel complete when im with you.. Its like the puzzle is finally complete, and i never have to wonder what's missing:)

PS:To anyone who dares take my little boy away from me:

Roses are red

Violets are blue
He's for ME
NOT for you

If by chance

you take my place

I'll take my fist

and smash your face :)

*don't say i didn't warn you*



PS: well baby, I LOVE YOUUUUUUUU!!! :D

Happy Birthday:)

To my dearly beloved little boy;
Well, firstly , i want you to know that I LOVE YOU ALOTTTTTTTTTTTT! i really do:) and im sure you know that.
And also, i wanna say HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!! and CONGRATZZZZ!!! on your gold medal.
Thanks for being an awesome boyfriend to me, i really appreciate it. And im sorry for all the times i treated you badly and said things to hurt you, yet you still forgave me and accepted me back. Sorry for all the sacrifices that you had to make for me, all the hard times i put you through, im sorry, baby. But thank you for forgiving me when i say sorry, thank you for taking me back in, thank you for making those sacrifices. I love you. And when we fought, thank you for saying, "Shut up. I love you.":) i still remember that:)
Honestly baby, thank you for EVERYTHING! all the memories(both good and bad), the help you gave, your love, time, patience, effort. Thanks for all that, and more.
Thank you for being my boyfriend, baby. I LOVE YOU!:D
Love isnt perfect, isnt a fairytale, or a scrapbook of happy moments, and it dosent always come easy. Love is overcomeing obstacles, facing challenges, fighting to be together, holding on, and never letting go. It is a short word, easy to spell, difficult to define, and impossible to live without. Love is work, but most of all, love is realizing that every hour, every minute, and every second of it was worth it, because we did it together! :) I love you:)
I love you, baby boy, i love you loadddddddssssssssss:)
And now you're a year cuter, a year older, a year smarter, a year nerdier:D. And you know what? im really proud of you:D you know that? that you've changed soo much since the first time we met, not changed in a bad way, but in a good way. Especially those two major points that you were struggling with before, youre on the path to overcoming it, and i know that you can do it:D And ill always be here if you need me:)And for you winning your competion, and getting a gold:) Makes me so proud to have you as my little boy:')
             ILOVEYOU!!

Life is Like Coffe

It smells so good, yet at times, it can taste so bad.

Life is like coffee,

it looks tempting,

it smells good,

but taken alone, it can taste bad.

Cocoa beans:)

Cocoa beans are like your life background,

Some people come from a rough surface, others softer,

Nevertheless, it is mixed with what we would call

the sugar of life.

Sugar:)

Sugar is like your principles,

The more suger there is,

The better it tastes.





Whipped Cream:)



Whipped cream are like friends,

They come in abundance,

Thick and creamy,

They are the topping of life,                                                      

Before you know it, the whipped cream has                                  

melted, dissolved, or nevertheless eaten.

Those melted are left behind,

Those eaten are soon very stale and even ''passed out'',

Those dissolved however, are mixed into life, in all its good smell and horrid taste,

True friends as I would say.



Cocoa Sprinkles



Coacoa sprinkles are like enemies,

Some identifiable, others too small to be seen.

Many a times, covering the whipped cream of life,

When sprinkled, some fall off, having no effect on life,
Whereas some land on the whipped cream, erroding some our friendships,
Causing a slight dent in out once so smoth whipped cream,
And lastly, some seep right through the whipped cream into the coffee,

being unseen, yet having such a huge persistent impact.

Coffee Stirrers:)

The last and most important part, is the stirrer,

Without the stirrer, coffee goes nowhere, just another cup,

Filled with so much, yet untouched.

Which brings us to God.

God is pretty much like the cofee stirrer,

He puts life into action,

With all its sweetness, thinckness and taste

Be it catching any melting whipped cream,

to removing cocoa sprinkles;
It is a useful and impactful part.

'Speechless' Love

From the very beginning, the girl's family objected strongly on her dating this guy. Saying it has to do with family background and that she would have to suffer for the rest of her life if she were to be with him. The guy came from a fairly poor background, everytime their family making just enough money for their basic needs. He worked his own way up by studying hard.

Due to her family's pressure, the couple quarreled very often. The girl knew the guy loved her, but she like every other human had doubts at times. She would always ask him, ''How deep is your love for me?''.  Coming from a background with parents that were not highly educated, the guy wasnt very good with his words. This often causes the girl to be upset, with this and her family's pressure, the girl often ends up venting her anger on him. As for him, he only endured it in silence.

After a couple of years of hard work, the guy finally graduates and managed to secure a scholarship to further his studies abroad. Before leaving, he proposed to the girl: "I'm not very good with words. But all I know is that I love you, and is you allow me, I will take care of you for the rest of my life. And as for your family, I will try my best to talk to them. Will you marry me?"

The girl agreed, and with the guy's determination, the family finally gave in and agreed to let them get married. So before he leaves, they get engaged.

The girl went into the working society, and the guy went abroad continuing his studies. They sent their love through emails, and phone calls. It was hard, but neither thought of giving up.

One day, while the girl was on her way to work, she got knocked down by a car that had lost control. When she woke up, she saw her parents beside her bed. She realized that she was badly injured. Seeing her mum crying, she wanted to comfort her. But she realized that all that could come out of her mouth was just a sigh. She had lost her voice, her capability to speak.

The doctor said that the impact of the crash on her brain had caused her to loose her voice. Listening to her parents comfort her, but with nothing coming out from her, she broke down and cried. During her stay at the hospital, other than silence, all that accompanied her was the sound of her crying.

Upon reaching home, everything seemed the same, except for the ringing tone of the phone. It pierced into her heart every time it rang. She does not want the guy to know what happened to her. Not wanting to be a burden to him, she wrote a letter to him saying she does not wish to wait any longer for him. With that, she sent her ring back to him, the ring he proposed to her with. In return, the guy sent loads and loads of replies to her letter and countless phone calls, none of which she could bear to reply, or answer his calls. All she could do was cry.

Her parents decided to move out of that place, hoping that she would eventually forget everything and be happy. With a new environment, the girl learnt sign language and started a new life. Everyday, constantly telling herself that she must forget the guy.

One day. Her friend came to visit her her and told her that the guy had finished his studies and come home. She told her friend not to let him know what had happened to her. Ever since that day, there wasn't anymore news from him.

A year passed and her friend, who visits her often came to visit her again, this time with an envelope. The envelope contained an invitation card to the guy's wedding. The girl's heart was shattered when she saw, but when she opened the invitation, she saw her name inside, instead.

She looked up to ask her friend what was going on, but instead saw the guy, her guy standing infront of her. Using sign language, he told her: "I've spent a year learning sign language. Just to let you know that i've not forgotten my promise to you, our promise. Let me have the chance to be your voice. I love you." And with that he slipped the ring back onto her finger. A tear slipped down the girl's cheek, this time after so long, crying, but not because she was sad. She cried because of how much he loved her,'happy tears', as they call it.♥♥

For My Baby :)

Baby, this post is just for youuuuu:) its basically just a compilation of pictures and quotes. hope you likkee:)

Heavenly God, full of grace,

Bless my boyfriend's sexy face

Bless his hair the way it curls

Keep him away from other girls

Bless his little nose and toes

And keep him safe wherever he goes

Bless his arms so big and strong

Help him keep them where they belong

Bless his eyes that shine like stars

And keep his mind on me and cars

Bless his body the way it smells

If my dad finds out he'll give me hell

I tell you, Lord, he isn't shy

He's got his faults but so do I

Bless him Lord, cause he's my guy.






Thank you for being that 'perfect, but not so perfect' boyfriend. I love you:)









Are The Best Things In Life Really Free?

                      They say the best things in life are free. But are they really free?

No. Even though we may not be able to put a price on certain things, that does not make it free. Relationships for example, these are priceless, but free? Never. Remember when you learnt in science how that effort = work? and putting in effort, thats not free, isnt it? A relationship only works when you put in effort. Be it a relationship with God, your parents, teachers, friends or the one you love. Its impossible to have a relationship with no effort put in.

                                                                           

God. Someone who will never let us down:)

God. He is one of the best things ever in our life, and yes, our relationship with Him is  "free" in a way, but that does not mean it cost us nothing.We all gave up certain things when we decided to follow Him. Maybe we gave up certain things that we liked, 'the world, or flesh' for example, but in the end, its all worth it.

                                                         

                                           

BFF'S:)

Best friends. These requires lots of love and patience and kindness and advice. You give some, and you get some. But then, what if you put all your effort in and it dosent work out? Should you give up? Maybe they ditched you for 'better' friends, maybe they try to steal your boyfriend/girlfriend?

But then again, nothing in this world is perfect, isnt it?

It has been said that friends come to you life for a reason , season, or a lifetime. Some are just there to see if they can get what you have and they dont. Others, they are there to be a 'sister' or 'brother' to you. These 'brothers and sisters', they are family, they are there for you when you need them. They give you love, advice, time, help, and fun times. These are priceless people.

                                 

The One You Love:) <3

And then, of course, there are the extra special relationship with boyfriends, or girlfriends.At some point they are your everything. And i can tell you thaat this is one relationship that is never, never free. There are commitments to stick to, expectations and promises to fulfill. Love and trust need to be given, or it wont work. But without these awesome people in our life, we wouldnt be what we are now. It is here, in these relationships, that we give and sacrifce the most. All because of love. They are the ones that trust you and help you. Change the way you look at things in life, teach you to hope, love, pray, and to give. To help you change. Break bad habits, maybe. But the best ones, they are perfect. Priceless. But not free

Relationships. Pricless:)

All these people, all these relationships, they make life worth living. They give you a reason to wake up each morning. And yes, these may never be free, but they are the best things in life.

So, are the best things in life really free?? :)

PS: As this is my first post of my first blog, I wrote this especially for you, Baby. And I LOVE YOU ALOTTT! : D