Life's unfair. I'm sorry.

Hey. I'm sorry. I'm sorry I hurt you. But honestly, I didn't do it on purpose. I didn't expect you to get angry like that. It was meant as a joke. Just like the firewall, and how computer illiterate I am.
But then, I'm not gonna judge you and stuff. Everyone has their good and bad days, and probably something already happened earlier and it pissed you off.
But really, are you gonna ignore me like this everyday? I know you might hate me, and I know you might think its all my fault, but im sorry. Then again, its totally up to you if you wanna accept my apology or not. Your choice.
Oh, and another thing. I didn't back stab you. Honestly. I did not. I don't know why you said that I did. To be honest, your friends are the ones who call you an airhead. Really. I tell them that I still can't let go, and I still miss you, and they tell me to let go of you cause you are an airhead. When people ask me about you, or us. I tell them that you are a real nice guy, and I still love you. And they ask me, "why don't you hate your ex? I hate mine". Actually, it was just Sunday night when I was telling a friend that I missed you, and that you were/are awesomely cute and kind. And that you left not because of an argument or because you found someone else, but we ended only out of obeying your parents. But sometimes, I wonder if we really were over, I mean, we never really ended it. I guess it was like some mutal understanding, and somehow, we just grew apart. But wtf, I still love you. And I hate you. But i don't know what to feel anymore, I'll admit, I've tried to hate you. I couldn't. No matter how hard I tried.
Gahh. Penguin. Im probably just some mentally screwed up person. With disorders. And problems. And sometimes, I wish I died, even before being born, like the doctor said I would.
Whytf, do I bother writing this out? Part if me imagines you understanding me and accepting my apology, but part of me feels that if I had written this on paper, you would probably have trashed it.
Im really sorry. I never meant to hurt you. I'm sorry. :'(
You were probably right. You don't deserve crap. No one deserves crap, babe. But everyone gets it. They just react to it differently. I don't deserve crap too. But I get loads of it at home. You've got parents that love you and give you the things you need and want. I've got parents don't don't give me what I need, and want. All they do is nag. Literally. I live a life where I need permission to eat ice-cream and instant noodles, a life where I need permission to turn on the computer, a life where I have a big flat screen TV, but I don't get to turn it on, at all. That sucks. A lot. I never get a chance to talk to them. It always ends up in nagging. Or insulting. I'm sure your mom doesn't tell you that one day your gonna have a miscarriage because your so skinny and ugly. Or that because you don't eat, you're gonna get cancer one day. I just hate life. Its so controlled. And full of shit. And hurt.
So yeah, probably, in some way, your life might suck too. But don't take it out on me. I mean, I'm not saying I'm innocent. I might have unknowingly said something that triggered something in some part of you. But then again, yelling at me is better than punching walls. And I did at one point told you that I'd be your ' cushion ' and you could take out your anger on me. But its scary. To see you like that.
Oh weell, sorry for writing this unnecessary shit.
Sorry. For everything.
ily. And I'm trying to let go.
Sorry.
PS: If He wills it.
PPS: He probably has a reason for putting you and me through this.
PPPS: He loves you.
PPPPS: I'm don't hate you. And I'm not angry at you, not anymore. And I forgive you.
PPPPPS: I hope you don't hate or get angry at me for writing all this.
PPPPPPS: :)

Loved. Loving. And gonna love.

Hey.
I really don't get you anymore.
What happened to you?
Who are you?
What have you done to the boy that loved me? Where is he? I want him back. I haven't seen him in a long time, miss him. I love him, I want to see him again. I thought I saw him the other day, but I guess it wasn't him.
What happened to us? In a few days, its gonna be two and a half years. Two and a half years, that's 30 friggin months. That's like, almost a thousand days.
I remember he always told me how much he loved me, and we would play that stupid 'I love you more' game. Almost every night and evening. Where is he?
Those times, he was my only best friend, the one I told everything to. Mainly because he didn't like all my other bestfriends and made me distance myself from them. That was the one thing I probably shouldn't have done, because now, I don't have any best friend, not even a close friend. And it sucks keeping everything to myself. It hurts too. I hate crying myself to sleep. At least writing it out and hoping you see this and hoping you still care helps. A little bit. Eventhough I'm crying writing this.
Those times, he really loved me. He was so darn over-protective. But I knew he cared. I knew he loved me. He never let me leave. He did everything he could to make me happy. All he wanted was for me to be happy.
He got my first hug. First kiss. First French. First lip lock. First touch. First guy on my bed. First guy I has a crush on. First guy I loved. First guy I got myself in trouble for. First guy I spent nights crying over.
Unfortunately, he was also the first guy I knew who was stuck in porno and masturbation. The first guy who touch me when I didn't want it, when I didn't like it. The first guy that hurt me. The reason I cut myself.
Maybe I should never have fallen for him. He was a player. But he told me he loved me. Told me he would NEVER hurt me. Never leave me. Never make me unhappy.
But I loved him. I stayed when I should have left. I loved when I didn't have to. I tried to help knowing it would work. Tried to get you off the porno knowing you would get back to it. Did I waste a thousand days of my life?
And I still love him when he doesn't.
I love him alot. And I'm still waiting. Waiting for him to come back. I miss him. Love him.
And well, Kiddo, wherever you are, I wish you'd come back. I miss you. Remember what you told me? And I still love you. And still think of you as my little boy. My Assy. The Boyfie.
I just fucking live you, okay? Even though I think you don't.
All I want is for him to come back. I want him to love me like I love him. That's all. Is that to much to ask? Maybe I'll try to get you to like me again..? Maybe we should start over again. Maybe we should wait two more years and get permission and continue on. Or maybe...

Hurt, Pain, Anger and Forgiveness.

So Darling, Iv'e been wanting to talk to you for a long time, but I couldn't. Therefore, I hope you read this and understand it without misunderstanding it, okie?

Firstly, what am I to you? Am I your little baby girl? Am I your bestest best friend? Am I just a friend? Or am I a bitch, (like you said I was)? Because to me, you are the boy I love, the one I wanna marry one day, the bestest best friend I have, the one who knows all my secrets, the one whom I pray for every night, the one I think about all the time, the one I risk loads of things for, the cute guy, the wierdo person, the nerd, the geek, and the assy. You are all that and more to me, and yes, i know it sounds all cliche and stuff, but Im only telling you the truth. 

                                               

Maybe I was just stupid to have stayed. You 'cheated' since the beginning, first it was with them behind your computer screen, then it was the crush you had on your 'friend', and now its a girl you like. I really just don't know what to do anymore, you know? I'm tired of crying myself to sleep. It just hurts. It hurts a lot. But you probably don't care anymore, do you? You probably think of me as 'that stupid ugly clingy bitch', right? Maybe its just a one sided thing, you not caring anymore, but me still having feelings? What do you want me to do so you can see it? Maybe I should start self-harming again, doing stupid things hoping to have a pain more painful than this as to numb out this hurt. Or maybe the water is a good thing, maybe I'd get cancer from it and die, then it wouldn't be like this anymore. Because, asshole, I fucking love you, and I really hope you see it.

Its been 28 months. 28 hard months. Have I wasted this 2 years of my life? Or are they the beginning of something? The beginning of a future? A future together?

TBH, Assy, I don't like you. I don't have a crush on you anymore. And I surely don't think that everything you do is cute and adorable. BUT, I FRIGGIN LOVE YOU, DARLING ASSHOLE. True that I don't like or crush on you, but that's because I loves you. And of course, you can be annoying (those little stupid fights)  and disgusting (remember the green snot bubble? you thought I would find that cute). But if i just liked you, I would have left, when you told me bout 'it', I would have left if I didn't really love you. But I do, and I stayed. There's only so much I could/can take, but every time, I pushed my limits for you, because I loved you. And because I still do, I'm currently doing that once again.

Remember what we agreed upon? To just wait and see? To keep that part of our lives quiet for now. To stop looking for relationships, or finding sneaky ways to do stuff. I hope you remember all that. Because I do, and the only guys whom I currently receive kisses from and think are cute, are little babies. They aren't even guys actually, just innocent cute little babies. *Maternal instincts have not kicked in early :P *

Owh well, just know that I love you alot, and that I always pray for you,  your family, and sometimes about us every night before I sleep. And I love you, even though I hate you. And I feel like punching you, yet i also feel like hugging you so tight till you loose your sense of balance and fall over, and then i wanna kiss your pretty hair. :) And I really hope I'm more than just a friend, assy.

The Truth. #1

     I saw you for the first time. And I thought, 'ew!'. I stayed away from you. Didn't bother to talk to you. Even pitied you. Made fun of a friend that liked you, "What on earth do you see in him?", I asked.  

     They had a sleepover. I could not go, I was grounded. So they were bored, and talked to you online. Then the phone call came. THAT phone call. "OhMiGosh!! You would never believe what happened. I think he likes you. He said you got a unique smile..." And you know the rest. Pretty face, I think you said too. They asked you who you like. "He likes you.", they said. I smiled to myself the entire day, not being able to concentrate on anything.
   
     I started talking to you. Bit by bit I fell for you. The first lie I told you was that I had a dream about you. It was never a dream, it was something I wanted badly to happen. But of course, I couldn't just go up to you and say, "I want you to take me for a date. Movies and dinner. You pay, and fetch me in your white car with the personalized number plate." Firstly, you had like what? Five years to go before you could drive legally. And you had no car, no white car, no personalized number plate. You made me forget all my other crushes. All the other tall, muscular boys. I had time to daydream about nothing, but you.
     
     We talked more. You tried to annoy me. I would never forget that Friday morning. You were being sarcastic about everything I said, and you stole my chair. You would not get off it, even when I poked you. Remember that? You thought it would annoy me. It did the opposite, little boy. Because that's when I fucking fell in love with you.

     A few weeks later, it was Valentine's Day. You called me aside to give a present. I walked towards you, wondering what it would be. My hopes were crushed what I saw you, because there was no little wrapped box with ribbons. You had nothing. But, I hid my disappointment and stood in front of you. You wrapped your arms around me and gave me a hug. You held me tight, and planted a little kiss on my head. I had never been happier. 
     
      It was then it officially began. You were everything. My whole world.