Hey.
I really don't get you anymore.
What
happened to you?
Who are you?
What have you done to the boy that loved me? Where is he? I want him back. I haven't seen him in a long time, miss him. I love him, I want to see him again. I thought I saw him the other day, but I guess it wasn't him.
What happened to us? In a few days, its gonna be two and a half years. Two and a half years, that's 30 friggin months. That's like, almost a thousand days.
I remember he always told me how much he loved me, and we would play that stupid 'I love you more' game. Almost every night and evening. Where is he?
Those times, he was my only best friend, the one I told everything to. Mainly because he didn't like all my other bestfriends and made me distance myself from them. That was the one thing I probably shouldn't have done, because now, I don't have any best friend, not even a close friend. And it sucks keeping everything to myself. It hurts too. I hate crying myself to sleep. At least writing it out and hoping you see this and hoping you still care helps. A little bit. Eventhough I'm crying writing this.
Those times, he really loved me. He was so darn over-protective. But I knew he cared. I knew he loved me. He never let me leave. He did everything he could to make me happy. All he wanted was for me to be happy.
He got my first hug. First kiss. First French. First lip lock. First touch. First guy on my bed. First guy I has a crush on. First guy I loved. First guy I got myself in trouble for. First guy I spent nights crying over.
Unfortunately, he was also the first guy I knew who was stuck in porno and masturbation. The first guy who touch me when I didn't want it, when I didn't like it. The first guy that hurt me. The reason I cut myself.
Maybe I should never have fallen for him. He was a player. But he told me he loved me. Told me he would NEVER hurt me. Never leave me. Never make me unhappy.
But I loved him. I stayed when I should have left. I loved when I didn't have to. I tried to help knowing it would work. Tried to get you off the porno knowing you would get back to it. Did I waste a thousand days of my life?
And I still love him when he doesn't.
I love him alot. And I'm still waiting. Waiting for him to come back. I miss him. Love him.
And well, Kiddo, wherever you are, I wish you'd come back. I miss you. Remember what you told me? And I still love you. And still think of you as my little boy. My Assy. The Boyfie.
I just fucking live you, okay? Even though I think you don't.
All I want is for him to come back. I want him to love me like I love him. That's all. Is that to much to ask? Maybe I'll try to get you to like me again..? Maybe we should start over again. Maybe we should wait two more years and get permission and continue on. Or maybe...
